SOUND INSIDE MY HEAD

Around this time last year, it was a life changing stage of my life. Yeah, a big shift of my daily life and my comfort zone. Hahaha.

Even moving to China is already beyond my imagination because life as a Chinese descendent already hard and I need to live as a Chinese here. Hahaha.

Actually, I thought that I am good and I am okay. I am not stress anymore and everything I did seems okay to me. But, when the time COMES, I could not passed this stage. Yeah, it is been hard. I only want to be alone and my thoughts are saying that no one care about you. Hahaha.

But, I believe that I will always have someone who will be there for me. Hahaha. And I know they will be there. Hahaha.

After think about that, I think mental disease is more complicated and it is harder to distinguish between healthy and not healthy. Actually, the world is getting worse not because of the war but because of what people say about the others. When people opinion can change the other personality and it is like the world force us to do that.

I scared if I know there were a demonstration or a disaster but I know there will be a way to survive and it can be prevented. But, the comment or people opinion cannot be controlled and we could not prevent them from being able to hurt us. Hahaha.

It is sad but it is true. I even more scared to face the disappointment and complain than the real disaster. Hahaha. Life is hard not only because we couldn't do that but because the environment and the community around us make us more insecure with the future.

Don't blame yourself. That might be sound selfish but it is better than not taking care of yourself

Mental Health

Kali ini mental health nya lebih ke verbal abuse daripada physical abuse yah. Sebenernya dari satu sisi gw merasa abis orang nya bunuh diri baru lah di buat thread trus ato di bilang RIP buat apa sih.

Dulu pas kasus Jonghyun, gw smpet ikutan tuh. Tapi mgkn krn wktu itu gw jga smpet ada di fase yang sama, dimana pas udh mulai winter mood gw berubah drastis, apalagi biasanya hidup di negara tropis kan.

Kebetulan kasus gw tuh dulu juga verbal abuse, dan jujur aja kadang kalo gw lagi merasa stress atau tertekan kadang gw juga masih muntah" dan masih ada lah gejala bekas taon lalu itu. Udh setaon loh, kok ga sembuh" sih? Menurut gw selalu ada improvement sih, tapi yah itu luka itu akan selalu membekas sih.

Jujur aja, kalo orang ga kenal gw mereka akan menganggap yah gw baik" aja bahkan gw itu kan punya tendency terlihat ceria di depan orang. Jadi emang self protection gw yah untuk selalu terlihat ceria.

Kadang gw bingung kenapa sih idup lu sbnernya ga sgtunya kok, bhkan tekanan gw lbh tinggi kenapa lu stress sih. Kdang bahkan gw masih mikir begitu, tapi yah tiap orang kan emang beda kan yah. Dan mekanisme mereka menghadapi masalah juga berbeda.

Sebenernya verbal abuse tuh apa sih? Kalo dari gw sndiri yah, apapun yang bisa membuat seseorang terluka, tertekan atau stress dapat gw kategorikan sbg verbal abuse, bahkan menurut gw pujian yang akhirnya memberikan demand tinggi aja itu bisa jd verbal abuse buat gw krn akhirnya gw tertekan thd itu. Sebenernya ga salah dong, orang di puji, di bilang bagus" aja. Tapi karena itu mungkin lingkungan kita jadi ga suka, akhirnya abuse dgn cara yang lain.

Tapi mungkin yah itu mekanisme gw, krn dulu udh begitu mau sebaik apapun orang dan memuji gitu membuat gw lebih takut untuk melakukan sesuatu bahkan gw berusaha buat ya udh gw tunda aja dulu, gw takut kalo di demand lebih, wlpn di bilang lambat, tapi gw merasa ya udah drpd gw di demand lebih lagi. Is it hard? Tentuuu.

Setelah itu, gw lagi mikir apakah yang gw perbuat itu juga buat orang stress? Tapi gw merasa itu untuk kebaikan dia juga. Nahh, ini juga nih yang gw belajar yah. Ga semua yg lu anggap baik bsa di anggap baik oleh orang lain :) hahaha.

Jangan terlalu baik, tapi yah emang dasar nya gw ga bisa klo ga peduli, kesannya kaya mencampuri sih akhirnya, tapi yah itu akhirnya gw lelah sndiri dan biarkanlah mereka dgn caranya sendiri. Hahaha

Ini semakin ngawur yahh. Saya Bobo dlu dehh. Nanti di revisi lagii. Hahaha

Life Learner

Started from this semester I tried to do the self check and try my best to improve myself to be a better person. It is not easy because I need to keep the diary and I rarely finished the diary. Hahaha. Sometimes I skipped 2-3 days and write that later 😱

Because of that, I make a weekly self check. That might be easier to me to do that.

This week I really want to share about this and it's really change the way I think about my past years in China.

Before 25 I always think about how to impressed people, how to be perfect, how to get a really good review and being pretty. But, after I went through all of the process I choose to be more focused about my happiness without decreased my value of life. I am still perfectionist and a bit arrogant and that might be too hard for me to eliminate that one. Basically, I am an ESFP or ESTP with DI personality. So, that might be a bit complicated with my own way of living. Hahaha.

But, I know what I want to do and what I need to do while talking about my right and my duty I think sometime my ego still too high to do my duty as a hardworking student and always asking for my right. Hahaha. But, I learn a lot how to make a decisions and I did that several times here. That was a bit hard when I did that for the first time, but after that I think that easier to me to denied all of the negative thinking and just doing what I want to do.

Actually my mom said I always did that before but even when my mom said that I think I am not. Hahaha. So I don't know what my mom think about me right now. Hahaha.

I put myself as the priority,
But I also need to do a lot of things to graduate. I really want to graduate but my physics and mental reject that. Hahaha. I said that I am okay but my body just rejected that and I think I went to hospital almost once a month now. Hahaha.

I really don't know why because I think I am okay, yeah I found that I always delayed my work and I am take a lot of things not seriously. But, I am just don't want to over doing myself to do something that only make me stress. Hahaha. I am stress, of course. The pressure is still a lot and the work also has a lot of problem 😱😱😱

But, that is Life. And as this title I started to be a life learner now. Because, I cannot expected much from someone and I also don't want to force myself to do that. 😂

Thanks to all of the memories and experiences. I learned a lot from all of those moments